Finish Line - for now at least

I finished the 21 day cleanse. Although I must admit, I didn't really end strong. I went out last night for a birthday party and had a delicious margarita, a cupcake, and a bite of a piece of cake. Eek. I was that person at the restaurant who orders with fifty thousand exceptions to the food on the menu - but I'm ok with that. I do kinda feel bad for the waiter. This one totally messed up the order and I ended up getting a free meal, which was ok because it wasn't even good and I didn't eat much of it. I'd rather ask for exceptions and be able to go out to eat than not go out at all.

I started reintroducing some of the "Big Five" back into my diet today. I had some caffeine this afternoon when I was dragging, but instead of full-caffeine, I got my iced soy latte half-caf. I also had a few spoonfuls of mango sorbet (sugar) and I just finished baking some gluten-free vegan chocolate chunk cookies (sugar). I bought the cookie mix and substituted applesauce for butter and flax meal w/hot water in place of an egg. Found those tips in Living Without magazine a few months back. And they turn out delicious. I am still conscious of not eating too much sugar. Moderation is the key.

Now that I'm done with the cleanse, my plan is to open up my blog to other things. Since I plan to remain mostly gluten-free and vegan, and since I think a lot about food, I'm sure that'll still be part of it. But I want to get back into photography, as well as talk about other stuff going on in my super exciting twentysomething life. Or something like that. We shall see.

So it begins...

Day 19: Divinization

I loved tonight's chapter in The Quantum Wellness Cleanse book - bringing it all together. The chapter for Day 19 is "Divinization," or human participation in creating the better world that is inevitably coming.

Here are a couple quotes...

"In leading lives for the greater good, we find our true selves and we find inspiration and empowerment - the self-actualization discussed by psychologist Abraham Maslow s the pinnacle on our hierarchy of needs."

"I believe that the decisions we make in terms of our food choices are, in a very real way, our deepest connection to our core values and principles."

"The goal of conscious eating is not just to eat food that is delicious and nutritious, though that is certainly key. We also must challenge ourselves to eat foods that are in alignment with our spiritual values, foods that don't involve, as much as possible, exploitation of the earth, workers, or animals."

"If our eating is in sync with our values, then our lives have a shot of integrity repeatedly throughout our day."

I'm still chewing on it (so to speak) - there was so much in this short chapter. I love the idea that making conscious food choices that are in line with my principles and values is a shot of integrity each time I eat. I still need to carve out more time in the day for introspection and meditation.

I also really respond to the importance of the greater good - recognizing that our choices have further implications beyond how they immediately impact ourselves. If I buy McDonalds food, that doesn't only impact myself and my own body, it affects countless people, animals, and the environment.

I think that our society has become so fractured and so focused on self-improvement. I know we're all different, but I think it's so important for everyone to be part of a community as well. I think that's part of why I've always responded to being in the theatre world - it's such a collaborative process that is completely reliant on it being a community. You think about how what you do affects others and they think about how their actions affect you. Give and take. Support. So important.

Day 18 - ebb and flow

I had alcohol last night. And sugar. And bread. And cheese. Whoops.

The drink felt heavy in my belly after I drank it, like it was just sitting there, which it probably was. I'm not sure why it felt that way this time, since I've basically had a drink once a week throughout the cleanse. Maybe my body is changing in how it reacts to these "Big Five" ingredients. Also, the warm brie that was so tempting and looked so delicious didn't really taste that great. I think my taste buds may be shifting.

It was, however, nice to go out with friends and just eat and drink what I wanted. I did look briefly on the menu for something cleanse-friendly, but there really wasn't anything, so I did the next best thing - had what everyone else was having.

It's interesting, though, because now that I've been a vegetarian for almost three years, I can't imagine ever wanting to eat meat again. Well, aside from the occasional wild salmon... I wonder if I were to follow a vegan diet for a long time, if I'd feel the same way about eggs and dairy products. Actually, eggs already kinda gross me out, at least conceptually. Plus I never feel great after eating them. Dairy's a little harder since it shows up in so many different forms. The thought of drinking a glass of milk also kinda grosses me out - I don't think I'll ever do that again. I never really liked it - even growing up I drank "blue milk" (nonfat) I think because it was the least like milk. Even though my naturopath didn't find me lactose intolerant, I think I really am.

I really think I could do the vegan thing. I think that might sit well with my body. I've been feeling good these past 18 days being (almost completely) vegan. I also like to eat out and eat socially and don't want to be a burden. But if it's about health, it's like being allergic to something, which people understand.

I will, however, be integrating sugar, caffeine, and alcohol back into my diet in moderation. I need to make sure I don't go crazy when the cleanse is over. The only time I ever fasted was junior year of high school for the 30-Hour Famine. That fast ended right at the potluck for Pirates of Penzance, and I ate a ton and felt totally gross afterwards. Yucko. Live and learn.

Day 16 - a craving!

I feel like Kathy Freston knows me a little too well. The other day when I had a drink after work, that day's chapter in the book was about alcohol. Tonight was my first real, true craving for chocolate and the chapter I just read was about sugar. I'm not sure what brought upon my chocolate craving, since at this point most cravings have subsided, but man did I want some dark chocolate. I didn't give in though. It helped that I didn't have any in my apartment for sure. If I did have some, I'm not sure I could have resisted. That will definitely be something I'll reintroduce when this is over, in moderation, of course.

Now that I'm in the last week of the cleanse, I've found myself looking at it differently. I let myself veer off course on both Saturday and Sunday this weekend. I don't feel too badly about it, which is good, because guilt & regret aren't really productive or positive feelings. But I do want to be better this week and see this thing through strong to the end.

On Saturday, I met up with my mom, aunt, and uncle for a lovely, delicious lunch at Greens in SF. They actually didn't have any obvious cleanse-approved dishes, although they probably could have altered a few of them to be gluten-free, sugar-free, and vegan. I had a few sips of prosecco (but didn't get my own glass), some pita bread, and an accidental little nibble of blue cheese that was so tasty. I think the rest of the feast was "safe" and SO DELICIOUS! Plus, it's right on the Marina and it was a gorgeous day. So fun! I need to remember that this beautiful, vibrant city is nearby and, you know, go there.

On Sunday, I had movie theatre popcorn that had that fake liquidy synthetic butter stuff on it, which I feel like doesn't really count because there is no way that actually came from an animal. Although it probably doesn't fit into the "great for your body" category either. Then, a Coke Zero was purchased especially for me, and I felt obligated to have some. Didn't even taste good. I didn't drink that much soda before, but I'm glad to have that taste out of my system.

According to the book, basically everything causes or exacerbates cancer, diabetes, heart disease, etc. etc. etc. I should probably do a little more research to see how true that is. But it is true that there are so many preventable conditions and diseases out there. I'm not claiming to be totally healthy, especially in the exercise arena, but I feel good about taking care of myself and trying to be healthy. I also am not one for telling other people what to eat or criticizing them for their choices, but I want people I care about to eat healthy, too, so we can all live long and happy lives! Sound good? Super.

Day 11.5

This blogging on a daily basis thing is getting harder to keep up with. Things have been pretty busy this week with the opening of American Idiot and all. I've been pretty good at sticking to the cleanse, but I still haven't focused enough time and energy inwards as I would like. More introspection, less computers. Perhaps.

I feel good overall. I think I'll be glad to reintroduce caffeine, as I have learned that decaf just doesn't do the trick. Although I also don't want to go back to needing a cup of coffee to get started every single day. I also look forward to dark chocolate. I'm actually pretty proud of myself for not giving into that craving even once. I'm also still being good about not eating lunch at my desk, although I should extend that to snacks as well. If I'm hungry for a snack, that means it's time for a quick break. Maybe even some fresh air (gasp!). Something to work towards.

I want to look up more easy gluten-free vegan recipes. There's one cookbook on Amazon that is called something like the Gluten-Free Vegan, but I already own too many cookbooks that I never look at. Maybe I'll hunt around blogs first.

So last night was the opening night of the aforementioned American Idiot - the night that I already knew I'd be going off the cleanse. I was still pretty good, though. I was still full from a delicious, cleanse-friendly Thai dinner, so I didn't have to worry about the food. The only thing I ate was one little chocolate mousse tart thing (bite-sized), and it didn't even taste good! The place that catered the event is generally known to be good, so I'd like to think that it would have been a delectable dessert to some, but my taste buds have changed. Either that or it just wasn't good. You know, one or the other. I did, however, partake in a few cocktails that also had some sort of sugary mixer. But for a night off the cleanse, that ain't so bad.

However, due to lack of sleep and possibly have one more drink than I should have, I felt extremely sluggish all day today, particularly in the morning when I was in at 9am after leaving at 1:30am. Blech. And watching my coworker eat hearty morning-after food was somewhat tempting. Somehow my tortilla chips and hummus didn't quite compare. But I don't generally feel like I'm missing out, surprisingly, because I feel good about what I'm putting into my body.

I was considering extending the cleanse a day longer at the end because of the night off last night. I still haven't made a final decision, but I'm thinking I might not worry about it, since I only had two of the "big five" foods. I'll also see how I'm feeling at the end of day 21. Right now I'm kind of thinking I'll keep off of animal products (almost fully) and gluten (mostly), and then cut back on sugar and caffeine. I already pretty much only drink on social occasions and I feel fine with keeping that as part of my diet.

Wow, is it really day 9 already?

I was a little low on energy today. I think part of it is not getting enough sleep, so I'm going to try and get more tonight. Again, I had a decaf soy cafe au lait. I guess I haven't learned yet that decaf doesn't help wake me up. But I also really like the taste of coffee, so it wasn't all a bust.

I also seriously want some dark chocolate. It took a lot of will power to not buy some at Trader Joe's yesterday. I was quite proud of myself, actually. It's on the "no" list because of the caffeine. It probably doesn't have any more caffeine than decaf coffee, but I'm going to try and keep resisting because it's definitely one of my go-to comfort snacks. I'm not quite sure, though, if I'll last. Trying to keep thinking positively...

I had my favorite frozen food for lunch today, which just happens to be cleanse-approved!

I know it's not great to eat too much frozen food, particularly because of the environmental impact of the packaging, as well as the energy to cook it twice. Plus, this cost a whopping $5.99! However, it was absolutely delicious.

I did, however, cook dinner tonight. I was tired when I got home close to 7:30pm, but I committed to seeing the meal I had planned through to fruition. I sauteed polenta (in a tube from Trader Joe's) with olive oil, baby chard & spinach, cherry tomatoes, cannellini beans, and fresh basil. It was a colorful, simple, farmer's market-inspired meal. And I have plenty of leftovers!

Throughout the day I also had a banana, an apple, a bunch of grapes, and some chips & salsa. I have a big container of homemade trail mix that I'm thinking of keeping at work if and when I need a little energy boost. I just don't want to end up eating it all while zoned out in front of the computer.

I had a dull headache today, and now I'm thinking that my body might just be starting to come down with something. I'll have to take more Emergen-C to keep it at bay. After all, I have a show and a big party to go to on Wednesday night! A good night's rest should help, too...

PS - I've already decided I'm going to eat and drink non-cleanse stuff on Wednesday night. I'm debating on whether or not to tack on an extra day of cleansing at the end to make up for it. I'll have to see how much off-track I go.

One week in

I didn't blog over the (very short) weekend, so I'll have to play a little bit of catch up (as opposed to ketchup, which has sugar in it).

I felt pretty good on Friday, until I had to deal with a challenging situation at work that ended up being really stressful. After a stressful phone conversation late-morning, I went for a short walk to get some air and a Naked Juice smoothie. The juice didn't have any added sugar, so I think it's technically ok, but it still isn't great that when I'm stressed, I reach for some sort of food (especially sweet things) to calm me down or make me feel better. Friday was the last day for a coworker, and I had already anticipated having a drink at her happy hour gathering. When that gathering ended up falling right after a second stressful encounter, I was treated to a lovely cocktail. It really did help ease the stress. And it was delicious.

It just so happened that the chapter in the cleanse book on Friday was about alcohol and how it works scientifically. I think I'll have to re-read it for it to sink in more. I don't drink that much, but I still don't feel totally great about my desire/instinct/urge to have a drink to relax. I don't know that I want it to be a reward for anything, like "you had a sucky day, you deserve a glass of wine." Maybe if I get more into meditation, that'll help. But I haven't really gotten into the meditation part of the cleanse yet. I think I'll need to make it a priority in the upcoming two weeks.

Anyway, back to Friday night - I went out for a friend's birthday and didn't drink. And I had a great time. I've been in situations before where everyone else was drinking and I wasn't, and I felt left out, but that wasn't the feeling at all this time, so that was nice. Then again on Saturday evening, I was at a gathering with plenty of alcohol, and I was totally fine with not having a drink. I know that I won't give up alcohol altogether after the cleanse is over, but I do want to be more conscious of why I'll have a drink.

Let's see, what else did I eat this weekend? Thai take-out (yellow curry tofu & veggies with rice), corn flakes w/almond milk, corn tortillas w/black beans, avocado, tomatoes, & salsa, a veggie burger patty (that did have breadcrumbs in it), and some gluten-free snacks (potato chips, tortilla chips). Today, I went out for a late lunch at a pasta place and actually had a surprising number of choices from the appetizer and salad portions of the menu, which was a pleasant surprise.

I've noticed that when I'm hungry, I feel sluggish more than my stomach growling or anything like that. I was totally tired this afternoon, but after eating lunch, I felt much better.

I am now setting clear intentions to start exercising more regularly (ok, fine - to start exercising at all), meditating, going to bed earlier, spending less time on the computer, and getting more fresh air during the day. Sounds do-able.

A sluggish day 5

Today was kinda crappy. I felt sluggish all day. I gave in and got another decaf soy latte this morning, thinking that might trick my body into thinking it was a regular caffeinated drink, but to no avail. Then, I had an agave-sweetened ginger ale, which was delicious and refreshing but didn't do anything to wake me up. I guess that's part of the point with eliminating caffeine and sugar - no quick fixes. I also spent more time outside, which was lovely at the time but didn't carry over into the office. It does kinda suck to not have a window in the office to see outside. And to think I used to complain because our full wall of windows was too shaded...

I have gained some insight from not satisfying every craving or desire for food that I feel, although I still do feel them. I miss the taste of chocolate, for example. I'm curious to see if that subsides. There is something to be said from not getting the immediate gratification that we're so used to and expect. Especially in relation to food. Working right in downtown Berkeley, there are endless options for grabbing lunch - it's all at my fingertips. But now that I can't just go and eat whatever I want, I appreciate more what I do have. For someone as indecisive as me, it's kinda nice to have fewer options.

I cooked dinner tonight. I think it was actually the first time I really cooked beyond the microwave in my apartment. I love the process of cooking and the satisfaction afterwards. Part of that is probably because it's using my hands for something other than writing or typing. It's also a quiet, semi-creative outlet in which I'm actively doing something - not like reading or watching tv.

I really do want to find balance in my life. Not sure if and when an epiphany will come, but I'm starting to open myself up to that. I still work too much and then am exhausted when I come home. I don't know why I naively thought that pattern would change with a new job, a new scene. I need to find that change in myself. Set an intention and work towards it.

This morning I felt ready to get back in an exercise routine. Finally. That of course does not mean that I actually did exercise. But I'm thinking about it. Which is interesting, because that's what today's chapter was about in The Quantum Wellness Cleanse. I looked into joining the YMCA, which is close by and recently renovated. I generally like the atmosphere of the Y. However, it's like $62 a month! So then I reexamined my dusty old budget that I hastily put together when I decided to take the job. Right now, I can't really afford $62/month. But I'd still like to, so the next step is to prioritize my spending and take ownership for my purchases. I don't have the income that I used to have, but I haven't really cut back in my spending habits. Again, setting the intention first...

One step at a time.

Day 4 of 21

I'll be honest - I haven't experienced any major shifts yet on this cleanse. I think that so far it's been about focusing on the food, and the rest will come later. I've noticed that I haven't been that hungry, strangely enough. I did get tired this afternoon, but that might have also been because I was watching a (fairly interesting) presentation and (fairly boring) panel discussion in a darkish room. So afterwards I had a decaf soy latte. I know that the soy milk was sweetened, so that's my little stretch of the day.

Breakfast: Two wheat-free Barbara's fig newtons, a banana, and this delicious mango-passionfruit herbal tea.

Lunch: Baby carrots & hummus and a few bites of leftover gluten-free pasta from Sunday. Let me tell you - gluten-free pasta is pretty good when it's fresh but mushy and gross when it's been sitting in the fridge for a few days. Blech. Oh, and some Superfood Naked juice - you know, the stuff that's green and looks totally gross but is really delicious? It has wheat grass in it, and I'm not sure if that has gluten, but I figure that overall it's really good for you, so that's what counts.

Snack: Decaf soy latte and a handful of cashews.

Dinner: Garbanzo bean salad, brown rice pasta with cannellini beans and roasted tomatoes & cippolini onions. Yum! Dinner was courtesy of Kim, who always turns out delicious meals.

I have been drinking more water, which is good. And I need to be sure not to fall into the decaf soy latte trap. It could be a slippery slope. Also, I was glad to see that my strawberry jam from Trader Joe's doesn't have sugar in it. Sweet! (naturally)

The Third

Surprisingly, working a full day without caffeine was just fine. I ended up only getting like 6 hours of sleep last night, and it was a little hard to get out of bed, but I had been feeling that way last week, too.

Part of the energy that carried me through the day was all of this excitement and buzz surrounding American Idiot, which is in previews now at Berkeley Rep. I feel myself getting swept up in the excitement, even though I'm not working directly on the show. There's just something in the air around the Theatre. Plus, this is exactly the type of project that interests me - a new musical that relies on both the commercial and non-profit theatre worlds to bring it together. This is the first real show that Berkeley Rep has put up since I've been working there (in addition to Wishful Drinking's mini pre-Broadway run), and I'm already thinking ahead to what it'll be like once this phenomenon is gone, since everyone says this is all out of the ordinary.

I really wasn't that hungry during the day. Maybe it has something to do with eating breakfast before work, instead of at my desk.

Breakfast: Corn flakes with unsweetened almond milk and a small banana.

Lunch: Corn & tomato salad from Whole Foods and an apple.

Snack: A handful of trail mix (nuts, seeds, and raisins).

Dinner: Leftover sushi and edamame, and some chunks of melon. Alright, fine, I also had 3 chocolate covered almonds. Again, I was just helping by finishing them off :)

I ate lunch away from the desk, which is another change that I'm making with this cleanse - to be more conscious about what I eat and appreciate the food. Plus, the courtyard was lovely this afternoon, and it was nice to get 15 minutes of fresh air and sunshine. No matter how busy I am, I need to remember that I can always spare a few minutes outside and away from the computer.

Even though I wasn't tired during the day, I certainly was when I got home around 7pm. But I'm realizing that's ok. It's alright to be tired at points during the day without filling the tiredness up with caffeine and/or sugar. I guess I'm already learning something about myself...

Day 2

I woke up early, thanks to my dog, Molly. I don't know if it's because of that or because of the lack of caffeine, but I had a mild headache this morning. It probably wasn't helped by watching morning talk shows. I used to like watching the Today show in high school when I was getting ready for school in the morning. Now I have no idea why. The segments are too short and are complete fluff - and the same fluff day after day.

Here's what I ate:

Breakfast: Gluten-free buckwheat waffle with Earth Balance vegan butter and a banana. The waffle included sugar as an ingredient, but I figured that was negligible, and I didn't put any syrup on it, so that counts for something.

Lunch: Leftover Oaxacan food from yesterday and some melon from the farmer's market.

Snack: Carrots and hummus - one of my favorite foods! Especially Trader Joe's organic hummus and baby carrots. So delicious and satisfying. Also had some tortilla chips and guacamole.

Dinner: Went out for sushi. Edamame, miso soup, 1/2 avocado & cucumber roll, and 1/2 shiitake mushroom roll. Technically, sushi rice has sugar in it and soy sauce is typically fermented with wheat, but it seemed like the best option for dining out.

So, I wasn't perfect today, but I feel good about what I ate. I also stopped by Whole Foods and stocked up on even more food that I can eat, so I feel well prepared. Maybe too prepared - there's like no space in the kitchen in my apartment since all three of us cook, but I squeezed it in. I also have to make sure I don't waste any of the produce I bought - I feel awful every time I throw away produce that's gone bad.

When I was putting away and organizing the new additions to my apartment kitchen, I did finish the last couple gluten-free chocolate chip cookies in the bag. I justified this by thinking that a) I was making room for the good stuff, and b) it's better to get rid of them now, at the start of the cleanse. I need to be careful that I don't continue to justify these excursions, and if I eat something on the "do not eat" list, it is deliberate.

So far, I've been focusing on getting into the food part of the cleanse. The next step is to delve more into meditating and focusing on myself and what I'd like to get out of this cleanse, which I'm still figuring out. Half of me feels like it wants safe stability, consistency and connections to home, while the other half wants new and exciting adventures and change. Not that life has to be one or the other, but I am looking for some clarity as to what my life is now and what path I want to take. One step at a time...

Cleanse: Day 1

I've been thinking of starting a blog for a while now, but didn't really have too much to blog about (not that that has stopped others) or too much time to blog. But with no tv in my apartment, I have the time, and today I am starting a three-week cleanse, which is something to blog about. So, here I am.

A few months ago, I read Kathy Freston's book Quantum Wellness: A Practical and Spiritual Guide to Health and Happiness. While I found meaning in many parts of the book, the chapter that spoke to me the most was about doing a 21 day cleanse to break bad habits, clean your system, and open your body up to a major change. Freston also has a companion book that walks you through the cleanse, day by day - what to expect and how to deal with the feelings & emotions (and cravings) that arise. So, the plan is to follow the cleanse while reading the book. I know, I know, I'm totally falling for the marketing ploy, but I'm ok with that.

For 21 days, I cannot eat the following:

• animal products
• gluten
• caffeine
• sugar
• alcohol

I'm not concerned about taking any one of those items out of my diet, but all five of them together is a bit daunting. I went without animal products and gluten for a couple months earlier this year in association with a naturopathic treatment for eczema. While the eczema didn't totally go away, I did feel good about what I was eating (other than spending too much money on wheat-free alternatives at Whole Foods). At this point, I'm more concerned about no sugar (including fake sweeteners, honey, etc.) and no caffeine. I definitely have a sweet tooth and am used to giving into my cravings, and I drink coffee every morning. So we'll see how that adjustment goes...

Here is what I ate today:

Breakfast: Organic corn flakes (sweetened with honey, but I didn't want to waste them) with unsweetened almond milk, and a glass of Emergen-C (which has fructose, so I'm not sure if that's ok or not).

Lunch: Vegan tamale with zucchini and butternut squash, rice, and black beans from the farmer's market.

Dinner: Gluten-free rice/quinoa/amaranth pasta with heirloom tomatoes, spinach, garlic, olive oil, basil, and kalamata olives.

I was sleepy this afternoon without having coffee, but it's Sunday, and I had the luxury of taking an afternoon nap. Other than that, I feel good.

Here are the foods that will be the staples of my diet for the next 21 days:

• fresh fruit & vegetables
• rice, quinoa, and other gluten-free grains
• beans
• nuts
• dried fruit
• water
• some gluten-free and dairy-free alternatives

We shall see how this goes...